Two senior couples are walking along, wives in front, husbands in
back. Herb says to Sam, "Gee, we went to a new restaurant last night
and had the best meal ever. Good prices too."
Sam says, "Well, we like to eat out too. What was the name of the
restaurant?"
Herb says, "You'll going to have to help me out here a little. What's
the name of that pretty flower, smells sweet, grows on a thorny bush?"
Sam says, "How about rose?"
"Yes, yes, that's it!" cries Herb, then calls ahead to his wife.
"Rose. Hey, Rose. What was the name of the restaurant we ate at last night?"
Back to the Information Super Backroad.
My first job was working in an orange factory,
but I got canned... couldn't concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack,
but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.
After that I tried to be a tailor,
but I just wasn't suited for it...mainly because it was a so-so job.
Next I tried working in a muffler factory,
but that was too exhausting.
Then I tried to be a chef--figured it would add a little spice to my life,
but I just didn't have the thyme.
I attempted to be a deli worker,
but the way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.
My best job was being a musician,
but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.
I studied a long time to become a doctor,
but I didn't have any patience.
Next was a job in a shoe factory;
I tried but I just didn't fit in.
I became a professional fisherman,
but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.
I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company,
but the work was just too draining.
So then I got a job in a workout center,
but they said I wasn't fit for the job.
After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian
until I realized there was no future in it.
My last job was working at Starbucks,
but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.
SO I RETIRED AND I FOUND I AM PERFECT FOR THE JOB!
Back to the Information Super Backroad.
I am in shape. Round is a shape.
Never be afraid to try something new.
Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.
Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common;
They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.
An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world.
A pessimist fears that this is true.
There will always be death and taxes;
however, death doesn't get worse every year.
In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
I am a nutritional overachiever.
I am having an out of money experience.
I plan on living forever. So far, so good.
Practice safe eating-always use condiments.
A day without sunshine is like night.
If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.
It's frustrating when you know all the answers,
but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time,
but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
Life not only begins at forty, it also begins to show.
And this one is the real truth, so pay attention:
You don't stop laughing because you grow old,
you grow old because you stopped laughing.
Back to the Information Super Backroad.
Judy was having trouble with her computer. So she called Prem, the
computer guy, over to her desk. Prem clicked a couple buttons and solved
the problem. As he was walking away, Judy called after him, "So, what was
wrong?"
And he replied, It was an "ID ten T" error.
A puzzled expression ran riot over Judy's face. "An ID ten T" error?
What's that in case I need to fix it again??"
He gave her a grin... ;-) ... "Haven't you ever heard of an "ID ten T"
error before?"
"No," replied Judy.
"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."
(She wrote...) I D 1 0 T
Need I explain further?
Back to the Information Super Backroad.
Funny Bumper Stickers
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to ME.
BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute
I need someone real bad...
Are you real bad?
BEAUTY is in the eye of the beer holder.
The more you complain,
the longer God makes you live.
I(nternal) R(evenue) S(ervice):
We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
Hard work has a future payoff.
Laziness pays off now.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
Out of my mind...Back in five minutes.
As long as there are tests,
there will be prayer in public schools.
Hang up and drive.
God must love stupid people...He made SO many.
I said NO to drugs,
but they didn't listen.
Your kid may be an Honor Student,
but YOU'RE still an idiot.
Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
Where there's a will...I want to be in it.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Don't drink and drive...
You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Always remember you're unique...
Just like everyone else.
HONK
If You Want To See My Finger
I don't have a license to kill.
I have a learner's permit.
Who were the testers for Preparations A through G?
Madness takes its toll.
Please have exact change.
5 days a week my body is a temple.
The other two, it's an amusement park.
EARTH FIRST
We'll stripmine the other planets later.
If you drink, don't park.
Accidents cause people.
If you can read this,
I can hit my brakes and sue you.
Save the whales.
Trade them for valuable prizes.
Whitewater is over
when the First Lady sings.
Jack Kevorkian for White House physician.
My husband keeps complaining I never listen to him.
...or something like that.
Sure you can trust the government,
Just ask an Indian
Alcohol and calculus don't mix.
Never drink and derive.
If we are what we eat,
I'm cheap, fast, and easy.
Stop repeat offenders,
Don't re-elect them.
Back to the Information Super Backroad.
Check out my older jokes.