SAFARI SO GOODY

          A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa.  He took his faithful
          pet dog along for company. One day the dog starts chasing butterflies and
          before long he discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about he notices a
          leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having
          lunch.

          The dog thinks, "Boyo, I'm in deep doo doo now." (He was an Irish setter)...
          Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles
          down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.
 
          Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, "Man,
          that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?"
          Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, as a look of
          terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees.  "Whew", says the
          leopard. "That was close. That dog nearly had me."
 
          Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby
          tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for
          protection from the leopard.  So, off he goes.  But the dog saw him
          heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must
          be up.

          The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a
          deal for himself with the leopard.  The cat is furious at being made a
          fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen
          to that conniving canine."
 
          Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and
          thinks," What am I going to do now?"  But instead of running, the dog
          sits down with his back to his attackers pretending he hasn't seen them yet.
          And just when they get close enough to hear, the dog says, "Where's that
          monkey? I just can never trust him. I sent him off half  an hour ago to bring
          me another leopard, and he's still not back!!" 
        

          Women's Quote of the Day:   "Men are like a fine wine.
             They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to
             stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they
             mature into something with which you'd like to have
             dinner."

          Men's Counter-Quote of the Day:   "Women are like fine
             wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating
             to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age until
             they go all sour and vinegary and give you a headache."

          CATS

          --There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast.

          --Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats
            have never forgotten this.

          --Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull
            a sled through snow.

          --In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats.

          --As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat.

          --Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get
            back to you later.

          --Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a
            good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered
            from insomnia.

          --People who hate cats, will come back as mice in their next life.

          --Cats aren't clean; they're covered with cat spit.

          --A dog thinks, "My human feeds me, he must be a god."  A cat
            thinks, "My human feeds me, I must be a god."

          --And always remember, dogs have masters, cats have "staff."

          This guy sees a sign in front of a house "Talking Dog for Sale." He
          rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard. The guy
          goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there.

          "You talk?" he asks.
          "Yep," the mutt replies.
          "So, what's your story?"

          The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young
          and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift,
          and in no time they 
had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms
          with spies and world leader, cause no one figured a dog would be
          eavesdropping.

          I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running.

          "The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any
          younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the
          airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near
          suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible
          dope dealings there, thwarted a couple of hijackings and was responsible
          for the arrest of several terrorists. If only I hadn't been out in
          California and instead had been at the right airport on 9-11...
          Anyway, I was promoted to GS-13 and awarded a batch of medals. Had a
          wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

          The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for
          the dog.

          The owner says "Ten dollars."

          The guy says he'll buy him but asks the owner, "This dog is amazing. Why
          on earth are you selling him?"

          The owner replies, "He's such a damn liar."

          Two strangers are sitting in adjacent seats on an airplane. The guy says to
          the woman, "Let's talk. I hear that the flight will go faster if you strike
          up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

          The woman, who had just opened a good book, closes it slowly, takes off her
          glasses and asks, "What would you like to discuss?"

          The guy says, "Oh, I don't know; how about Nuclear Power?"

          The woman says, "OK, that could make for some pretty interesting
          conversation. But let me ask you a question first: A horse, a cow, and a
          deer all eat the same stuff.....but the deer excretes pellets; the cow, big
          patties; and the horse, clumps of dried grass. Why is that?"

          The guy says, "I don't know."

          The woman says, putting her glasses back on... "Oh? Well then, do you
          really think you're qualified to discuss Nuclear Power when you don't know
          shit?"

          The Parking Ticket

          I went to  the store the other day, and I was in there for only about 5
          minutes.  When I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking
          ticket.

          So  I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about  giving a guy a
          break?"

          He ignored me  and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a
          'pencil-necked Nazi.'

          He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires!

          So I called  him a 'jack-booted fascist turd.'

          He finished the second  ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
          Then  he started writing a third ticket!

          This  went on for about 20 minutes.....

          The more I abused  him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care.  My car
          was parked around the corner.  I try to have a little fun each day. It's
          important.