New Element Discovered.

          The heaviest element known to science was discovered
          recently by physicists at the Worldwide Research Lab
          in Amsterdam, The Netherlands.  The element, tentatively
          named Administratium, has no protons or electrons and
          thus has an atomic number of 0.  However, it does have
          1 neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice
          neutrons, and 111 assistant vice neutrons.  This gives
          it an atomic mass of 312.  These 312 particles are held
          together in a nucleus by a force that
          involves the continuous exchange of meson-like
          particles called morons.

          Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert.
          However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes
          every reaction it comes in contact with.
          According to the discoverers, a minute amount of
          Administratium caused one reaction to take over four
          days to complete, when it would normally occur in less
          than one second.

          Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately
          3 years, at which time it does not actually decay, but
          instead, undergoes a reorganization in which assistant
          neutrons, vice neutrons, and assistant vice neutrons
          change places.  Some studies have shown that the atomic
          weight actually increases after each reorganization.

          Research at other laboratories indicates that
          Administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere.  It
          tends to concentrate at certain points such as
          government agencies, large corporations, universities,
          and most organizations who employ more than 10 people.
          It can actually be found in the newest, best maintained buildings.

          Scientists point out that Administratium is known to be
          toxic at any level of concentration and can easily
          destroy any positive reactions where it is allowed
          to accumulate.  Attempts are being made to determine how
          Administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible
          damage, but results to date are not promising.
         

          New Element Discovered.

          Element:Man. 
          Symbol:Ah (short for a**h***, a common French root used to identify the element). 
          Discover:Eve 
          Atomic Mass: 200+ Kg. 
          Occurrences: Found following duel element Wo, often in high concentration near 
                       a perfect Wo specimen (Experimental evidence: any beach on any coast).

          Physical properties: 

            Obnoxious when mixed with C*H*-OH (any alcohol). 
            Tends to fall into very low energy state dirrectly after reaction with Wo (Snore... zzzzz).
            Gains considerable mass as specimen ages, loses reactive nature.
            Rarely found in pure form after 14th year. 
            Often damaged as a direct result of unlucky reaction with poluted form of the Wo commom ore.

          Chemical properties:

            All forms desire reaction with Wo, even when no further reaction is possible.
            May react with several Wo isotopes in short period under extremely favorable conditions.
            Usually willing to react with what ever is available.
            Reaction Rates range from aborted/non- existant to Pre-interaction effects 
            (which tend to turn the specimen bright red and send it to react with Sa, the sex analyist).
            Reaction styles vary from extremely slow, calm and wet to violent/bloody.

          Storage:

            Best results apparently near 18 for high reaction rate, 25-35 for favorable reaction style.

          Uses:

            Heavy boxes, top shelves, long walks late at night, free dinners for Wo...

          Tests:

            Pure specimen will rarely reveal purity, while reacted specimens broadcast information
            on many wavelengths.

          Caution:

            Tends to react extremely violently when other Man interferes with reaction to a particular
            Wo specimen. Otherwise very maleable under correct conditions.
         

          New Element Discovered.

          ELEMENT: Women.
          SYMBOL: Wo.
          DISCOVERER: Adam.
          ATOMIC MASS: Accepted at 53.6kg, but known to vary from 40-200kg.
          OCCURRENCES: Copious quantities in all urban areas.
          PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:

            Surface usually covered in painted film.
            Boils at nothing; freezes w/o known reason.
            Melts if given special treatment.
            Bitter if incorrectly used.
            Found in various states from virgin metal to common ore.
            Yields if pressure applied in correct places.

          CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:

            Has great affinity for gold, silver, and a range of precious stones.
            Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
            May explode spontaneously w/o prior warning and for no apparent reason.
            Insoluble in liquids, but actively increases greatly in saturation of alcohol.
            Most powerful money reducing agent known to man.

          COMMON USES:

            Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
            Can be a great aid to relaxation.
            Very effective cleaning agent.

          TESTS:

            Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in the natural state.
            Turns green when placed beside a betta specimen.

          HAZARDS:

            Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.
            Illegal to possess more than one, although several can be maintained at
            different locations as long as specimens do not come into direct contact
            with each other.